So, it’s been over a year since I published anything on this blog. To be exact the last thing I put on here was on the 19 March 2014. So, it’s been a while… I’m not sure I even remember how to write so bear with me while I find my fingers and training wheels again.
Let me catch you guys up though because that might be easier…
My life has changed, drastically, I might add. My partner and I split last year July (roughly). I had to move out and start a whole new everything. I didn’t have a place to live so I ended up moving in with one of my managers for a couple of months. I tell you, not having your own space can drive you bananas. I also didn’t have a car because I left that with my ex because she would need it to get to work and back and to get our daughter to school. It was one hell of a change.
I went through an extremely bad bout of depression. I’ve never been depressed. People always say they are depressed but it’s no joke. The feeling of guilt, loneliness, mixed up with the sense of regret, missing the one person who’s been with you for nearly ten years, not seeing your daughter everyday, not having your own place to live or your own car to drive around in, plus working at a job that you hate and all these other small things. All of it took its toll on me. I was broken, thinking about it now, I think I was worse than broken. I was this empty shell of a person just trying to place one foot in front of the other and I stumbled, a lot. I lost so much weight and spent most of the time crying. It’s almost as if, I couldn’t accept the decision that was made. Honestly, my throat still kind of closes up at the thought.
I found an outlet in pain. I enjoyed cutting myself, still do actually, always have. It’s a form of relief that I’m familiar with. I wasn’t trying to kill myself or anything, but that feeling of pain is so liberating that in that moment when the skin tears, there’s this physical manifestation of everything you’ve been feeling. It’s hard to describe but anyone who has had their own experience with depression will understand where I’m coming from. I tell you, counselling helps a bit. After a few months of that, I finally found my own place and obtained a car and I think majority of the healing began.
Don’t get me wrong I had people helping me the whole way but that’s a story for another time. I’m just focusing on me right now but I need to credit a lot of people for their support. This post is going to be unbalanced, kind of fucked up so to speak. I don’t even expect many people to read it.
I guess this is still me, trying to put one foot in front of the other again and hopefully I’ll make progress into writing again. Anyway, I can’t promise that there will be something here soon. This honestly is me dipping my toes into the water. I’m terrified of doing this again. I have zero-self confidence in my ability to blog, or even write about anything gaming related.
But hey, baby steps right?