So today, I did my usual thing. Got up, showered, went to work. Every Friday I have a maintenance client to go to which is out of town. It’s been raining all night and all day. Beautiful grey skies and some drizzle. I quite like rainy cold weather. It’s easier to get warm than it is to get cold.
So, off I go to my client. Having just gotten Spotify on my phone, I decided to listen to Eminem and it was great. All things considered, the day so far was going ok. I got to my client, and did my rounds. I haven’t seen them in a month because I was at the wellness clinic. They were very nice and said that they missed me and I filled them in on what’s been happening to me. It was good. I didn’t have to do anything stressful there, all the computers were working fine. So I finished up and I left.
I put Eminem back on for the drive back. It was quite a nice drive too. Rapping along to Rap God and Lose Yourself. I admired the low flying clouds that were engulfing a nearby forestry which gave it this eerie, mystical look. It takes about an hour to get back and it was raining the entire way. I finally got back into town and was looking forward to getting home. I had my music loud and for the first time in a while I was having fun. I had never heard a song by Eminem called Beautiful and it really perked me up. Stunning lyrics and made me feel good. Then I crashed into the car in front of me.
I thought she was going to turn left, the robot was orange (yes i know technically you should still stop at orange. Nobody in this town did that until now). She decided to brake, and I only had a little time to change course. Normally, my brakes are good but not today. As I slammed on the brakes, the wheels locked due to the wet roads and the car started to skid. I managed to steer the car more to the right and I hit her car on the back right-hand side. It was a hard hit. As soon as we collided, I felt my the right side of my back tighten. (thank fuck I was wearing my seat belt) Luckily, nobody had any injuries besides the whiplash that I’m feeling now. The driver of the car I hit was rightfully angry but she did calm down. I think she was expecting me to blame her somehow. It was my fault, I knew that and I told her that. I had the accident 12:40 today. It took all afternoon to get both our cars towed at nearly R2000. That’s actually saving money as the official tow truck companies here wanted to charge me R1900 for one car. (Fucking Sharks) Next problem, I’m not insured and neither is the lady that I hit and I don’t have enough money to fix her car. Plus, I now have no car for work which is the main thing I need to be able to do my job.
The thing is I was having a pretty good day compared to the others I’ve had in the last month and then this happened. I feel terrible about it. I’ve got Lloyd howling in head, how pathetically stupid I was for having an accident. How I’ve completely fucked myself up now financially. The worse part is, this lady that I hit doesn’t even live in our town. She was just in town for a function. I don’t know what problems she might have or if she needs to get back home ASAP. I feel completely worthless.
Interestingly enough, this worthless feeling I’ve got is more calm than the other “tornado” thoughts I normally have. I’m calm and not getting anxious. I just feel defeated. My will has been broken. I’m trying so hard at fixing myself and catching my negative thoughts but this curve ball has just sent me into a comatose state of only feeling like. “OK, it’s checkout time.” I really have lost the will to live right now. I’m not saying I’m suicidal but if I had to die tonight, I would be ok with that. In fact, I would welcome it. No more of these thoughts plaguing my mind and just silence.
I honestly never thought I would fall so low. I never knew there were more layers beneath rock bottom.