Backfiring Universe #2 16/03/2018



So today, I did my usual thing. Got up, showered, went to work. Every Friday I have a maintenance client to go to which is out of town. It’s been raining all night and all day. Beautiful grey skies and some drizzle. I quite like rainy cold weather. It’s easier to get warm than it is to get cold.

So, off I go to my client. Having just gotten Spotify on my phone, I decided to listen to Eminem and it was great. All things considered, the day so far was going ok. I got to my client, and did my rounds. I haven’t seen them in a month because I was at the wellness clinic. They were very nice and said that they missed me and I filled them in on what’s been happening to me. It was good. I didn’t have to do anything stressful there, all the computers were working fine. So I finished up and I left.

I put Eminem back on for the drive back. It was quite a nice drive too. Rapping along to Rap God and Lose Yourself. I admired the low flying clouds that were engulfing a nearby forestry which gave it this eerie, mystical look. It takes about an hour to get back and it was raining the entire way. I finally got back into town and was looking forward to getting home.  I had my music loud and for the first time in a while I was having fun. I had never heard a song by Eminem called Beautiful and it really perked me up. Stunning lyrics and made me feel good. Then I crashed into the car in front of me.

I thought she was going to turn left, the robot was orange (yes i know technically you should still stop at orange. Nobody in this town did that until now). She decided to brake, and I only had a little time to change course. Normally, my brakes are good but not today. As I slammed on the brakes, the wheels locked due to the wet roads and the car started to skid. I managed to steer the car more to the right and I hit her car on the back right-hand side. It was a hard hit. As soon as we collided, I felt my the right side of my back tighten. (thank fuck I was wearing my seat belt) Luckily, nobody had any injuries besides the whiplash that I’m feeling now. The driver of the car I hit was rightfully angry but she did calm down. I think she was expecting me to blame her somehow. It was my fault, I knew that and I told her that. I had the accident 12:40 today. It took all afternoon to get both our cars towed at nearly R2000. That’s actually saving money as the official tow truck companies here wanted to charge me R1900 for one car. (Fucking Sharks) Next problem, I’m not insured and neither is the lady that I hit and I don’t have enough money to fix her car. Plus, I now have no car for work which is the main thing I need to be able to do my job.

The thing is I was having a pretty good day compared to the others I’ve had in the last month and then this happened. I feel terrible about it. I’ve got Lloyd howling in head, how pathetically stupid I was for having an accident. How I’ve completely fucked myself up now financially. The worse part is, this lady that I hit doesn’t even live in our town. She was just in town for a function. I don’t know what problems she might have or if she needs to get back home ASAP. I feel completely worthless.

Interestingly enough, this worthless feeling I’ve got is more calm than the other “tornado” thoughts I normally have. I’m calm and not getting anxious. I just feel defeated. My will has been broken. I’m trying so hard at fixing myself and catching my negative thoughts but this curve ball has just sent me into a comatose state of only feeling like. “OK, it’s checkout time.” I really have lost the will to live right now. I’m not saying I’m suicidal but if I had to die tonight, I would be ok with that. In fact, I would welcome it. No more of these thoughts plaguing my mind and just silence.

I honestly never thought I would fall so low. I never knew there were more layers beneath rock bottom.


Meet Lloyd #1 15/03/2018

Rough Weekend #3 20/03/2018

No Motivation #4 21/03/2018


Meet Lloyd #1 15/03/2018


This is a post that contains ramblings.

I broke down again and have officially been diagnosed with depression/anxiety. This was about a month ago but in addition to taking time off work and just taking pills  I’m actively trying to put my mental health first because this disease\illness seems to have progressed a lot further than I ever would have thought.

So recap, my last post excluding the Assassins Creed one, was about how I was putting my life back together and I did for a while. I also mentioned that my job was very stressful. Since that post, I was existing. I had my routines, wake up, go to work, come home, hang out with Mici or play games. Saturday I saw my daughter, Sunday I sometimes worked and sometimes hung out by myself. But I realize now that I was still very empty inside, hiding behind years of self-torment, self-criticizing, self-judgement which is how I’ve reached this point now where all I see is this massive cloud hanging over me. The difference now though is, I’m very much aware of it.

Being aware though is only a small fraction of recovery in order to manage this unbelievable entity that has infiltrated every aspect of my existence. It’s affecting my relationships, my job, my parenting, my love but more importantly my soul. I have no idea who I am anymore or what I truly enjoy. Yes, I have love for my daughter and my partner and I care about friends but I can’t really feel it within me almost like there is an invisible barrier between who i really am and what I am currently.

This most recent break down sent me straight into a wellness clinic called St. Marks where I also discovered that I was addicted to pain killers. I didn’t know i was addicted. I would take Comprals because I always get headaches and I just assumed I was getting headaches from stress and not sleeping properly, etc. Well, apparently it’s more of I took so many pain killers that the pain killers actually started to give me headaches and a vicious cycle was born. Admittedly, coffee was not helping my headaches so I’ve dropped that too. I do get headaches still but i try to only take a pain killer if its a really bad one and only one for the day.

At St. Marks I attended mandatory group sessions. Yup, the generic, sit in a circle and share your feelings and troubles and everyone loves you. But you know what? It actually fucking helps. It is generic and I’ve seen movies make a mockery of it  but if you are experiencing such pain and torment within yourself, this cliche shtick, is a god send if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and actually be honest with yourself and get those feelings out. I think I probably cried in nearly all of my group sessions in that first week because of the things that I was sharing. Problems I didn’t know I was allowed to talk about because I’m a man. I cried because of somebody else’s pain. I even cried because there was finally a group of people who understood and didn’t judge me for the pain or how it was affecting me. I cried for the acceptance that I had received.

What I really struggle with is dealing with trauma, insecurities, comparing old relationships to new ones, being perfect, guilt (past and present),incredible self-judgement and criticizing myself at every turn.

The thing that is most creepy to me and feels like a separate voice in my head is the self-judgement and criticizing voice. In fact right before my break down, my GP had given me some sleeping tablets and instead of putting me to sleep I ended up hallucinating. The self-judgement and criticizing voice had evolved from negative thoughts to an actual entity that I could see and hear. While in this stage, Mici would be talking to me and I would see it. It would walk behind her in one moment, the next he was whispering in my ear. Criticizing our conversation, telling me I was weak and pathetic. Dismissing assurances from Mici that she wasn’t going to leave me for all the bad I had done and was currently doing. (Whether the bad is actually real or not, I’m still working out) This entity even gave itself a name. Lloyd. Lloyd was a bully from when I was very young. I was bullied a lot growing up, and I still don’t fully understand how Lloyd gave himself this name as compared to all the guys that picked on me throughout my life he was in a very small part of it. Regardless. I have only seen Lloyd twice. I can’t even describe him. He’s almost like a big, black shadow, he has a human appearance but i guess mixed with a demonic look for lack of a better word but no intricate details. I cant see his eyes, I can’t smell him, I can’t tell if he is wearing clothes or not. I have only seen Lloyd twice and I refuse to taking sleeping tablets for fear of seeing him again. I hear his voice all the time though, he cackles in my head at my stupidity if I feel like a failure. He is the one that second guesses and questions every one that I see and speak to. To be honest, I’m afraid of him.

My psychologist told me yesterday that whats happened is called narrative therapy. Giving the negative thoughts form is a way of separating myself from it. It’s not surprising as I love stories so automatically I seem to have created a villain. Something I can clearly see and hear in my mind for me to defeat. Although, according to experts there is no cure, so accurately, I would have to get stronger within myself so that I can manage Lloyd.  He is my Black Dog. For more context, youtube Black Dog and depression.

So now, I’m back at my crap job which I honestly cannot bear and every day I want to quit. I see my psychologist once a week and she’s been very helpful, patient and understanding. She was actually the one who suggested I start blogging about it, to help me get it out. I’m also attempting meditation and breathing exercises called Mindfulness which does help at times. I try to do it every day, twice a day. I’m trying to eat three meals a day to keep healthy which i guess is helping keeping my energy up.

But this is hard, every negative thought that pops in my head, i have to try and stop it right there, acknowledge it and then deal with it by letting the emotion pass. Do you ever take a minute to notice how many thoughts run through your mind? More often than not I’m more exhausted from my own thoughts during the day now than actual work. I’ve got a long road to recovery.

This is what my blog is going to be about. My journey, my journal maybe on a daily basis. How my day was. What I’m feeling and what I’m trying to do about it.

If anyone does comment on this please don’t tell me to be strong because that is counter productive. That to me makes me think, keep all of this in. Any negative comments I will just delete as I already have Lloyd in my head. Please be respectful to each other and me.

Just do me a favor and take note of other people. Since this happened I see a lot of people daily that look like they are battling but they don’t know it. Maybe, go to someone and ask. “How are you?” and really mean it. Tell them you are there for support. Be good to each other.

Till next time

Backfiring Universe #2 16/03/2018

Rough Weekend #3 20/03/2018

No Motivation #4 21/03/2018