Define normal? What does it take to be normal? I’ve always been against the term “normal” because “normal” is relative to each individual and their unique personalities. However, after my anxiety attack last night, I came to a strangely peaceful thought, one that used to scare me.
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but the last couple of posts have been relatively positive but last night that changed. Continue reading “I am an Insecure Mess #25”
Well, it certainly has been a long time hasn’t it. 🙂
Much has changed since that somewhat bleak post just over two years ago. I was still in a bad space, clearly. I’m starting to feel an itch, an itch that needs to be scratched. The problem is that I can’t remember how to scratch it. It’s almost like my brain has lost complete knowledge of how I ever used to do this. But all I can do I guess, is put my fingers to the keyboard and just let something happen. Lets see where this takes us.
As I said in the beginning much has changed. After that last post, even after the comments from Drakulus and Cary, I never came back on here. I didn’t even think about writing about games. In all honesty, games weren’t even on my mind. The will to game had been lost and I didn’t care. I quite literally forgot that I had a WordPress account and totally disregarded all my notifications in my Gamers Therapy email account. There were other things to focus on.
I tried being healthy, (which is bullshit because I’m still smoking), so as healthy as a smoker could be. I was completely committed to losing weight (which technically is cheating because I was depressed at the time so the fat just fell off). Truth be told my life had been completely reset and I think for the better.
July 2014 to February 2015:
I stayed at my job as a Xerox IT Analyst, hung out with a few friends who happened to stay close to where I was boarding at the time, went to another friend every Friday night to play guitar hero until very early hours of the morning. These were all distractions of course, things to keep me busy so I didn’t have to think of what an utter failure I had become. I went through some bad bouts as well. I don’t really drink but there was an event or something and I had a drink or drinks, I honestly can’t remember and my walls came crumbling down. It was awfully embarrassing. Here was this 29-year-old man, taking antidepressants, bawling like a complete baby over his life. (good times) but there was someone helping me move along, picking me up whenever I stumbled, giving me complete and unconditional love and support. This person became my rock, my fortress of solitude. I was excited to get home to see and speak to her. We went for walks, went to the beach, played Mario Kart and spoke about everything. She helped me more than ever. You see, I have no family here besides my daughter (forgot I had daughter didn’t you) and she quickly became my family. There was never any judgement or contempt over my failures or stumbles and she is always still there for me. Her name is Michaela.
Eventually, I started to find some motivation in my life. The place that I was staying was becoming to crowded and negative for my liking and so I had every intention to leave as soon as I could. (There are much more details into these events but for the sake of this post, I’m not going to delve into specifics) I eventually found a great little flat which I am still currently staying in. So good to have my own space!! Having finally achieved independence again things started progressing slowly forward.
February 2015 to March 2016:
Many things changed during this period. Michaela and I had formed a solid relationship, she even moved in with me I think after three months. We were never really good at being apart. Michaela worked at a video store (having just finished high school, that’s kind of the only job that was around) and eventually I started working there as well for a bit of extra cash. This was our life now, I had two jobs. My main one being the IT guy and the second working at a video store. Mici (Michaela) and I were always together. We created our own personal bubble and a fuck the world attitude. Unfortunately, the world had that same attitude with us so things were good but definitely not easy. We would come home and watch series, and movies. Every now and then a friend would come by but we generally like to keep to ourselves. My daughter Paige started visiting every Saturday and eventually would spend the night as well. I also managed to get myself a car. (i was using the company car during this time) Eventually, I got myself off of those pesky antidepressants and I even managed to get myself a Playstation 4.
April 2016 to now:
Obviously, Mici and I didn’t want to work at our jobs forever. I didn’t want two jobs because that was exhausting and Mici was becoming worried that she wouldn’t find anything else. She needed more of challenge and I needed to get out of my comfort zone. We both took a chance and started applying for work. It took Mici months to finally find a job but I think it was worth it in the end as she seems to really enjoy it. She is an assistant accountant now at one of the most prestigious accounting firms in town. Me, I left my job at Xerox and started working for a more IT related field technician. The money is way better, plus commission which is insanely easy to get. Because of my nearly ten-year work career at Xerox I decided to cash in on my pension as there were things that I needed to get for myself which was only a car as the other was costing me more than I would have liked. I found myself a good car and after that Mici and I just kind of enjoyed the money for a bit. Yeah it was a stupid decision. I should have put the rest straight into a savings account or a retirement fund but I didn’t and you know what? Best decision ever. I don’t regret spending that money at all. We had months of being comfortable, not over doing it but if we wanted to go out we would. If i wanted to buy her a gift I could and that feeling is awesome. For my thirtieth birthday she and I traveled up to Johannesburg to see my family and we enjoyed a very expensive and awesome night at a strip club called teasers.(Yup, you read that right. Who else has a girl who actually wants to go see other naked ladies with you, plus my family…how screwed up are we, haha)
Nothing much has really changed in the last few months since then. Mici loves her job. My job is very stressful and I’m thinking about rebooting my career but I’m still seeing where it goes currently. I’ve been gaming a lot lately which has been extremely enjoyable and I’m even excited about games that are coming out even though they are remasters.
That’s my life up until me writing this article.
Enough about me…
How are you guys?
P.S. Yesterday we took Paige to the Lion Park and I can’t resist but upload this. It’s a beautiful pic of Mici and Paige. Aren’t they both the most beautiful things ever? 🙂