Lately, the words are just spilling out of me. So far this week I have felt the need to write and write and write and for some good measure, to write some more. It is probably one of the most powerful tools you can use in order to straighten your thoughts out and analyze what you feel when you are feeling it and how it was triggered. I highly encourage anyone who suffers from anxiety or depression, hell any mental illness, to attempt doing this.
Yesterday I published a post that dove into my past and my experience with my first bully as a child. After I had finished writing that post, I was emotionally drained. Remembering the feelings, some dialogue that was said and names that came up really took it out of me and opened a door to yet another layer.
Like Shrek once said, Ogre’s are like onions, they have layers. I’m not an ogre but mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I have the layers like one just like everybody else.
Yesterday, when I got home, I explained to Mici what the body table was. This table allows you to essentially troubleshoot the thoughts, what the body does, how that connects to your emotions and how that influences ones’ behavior. The reason I chose the word, troubleshoot, is pretty much because I can identify more with either technology or geek stuff.
If you would like information on the body table, let me know in the comments below and I will list them out for you and share what I have learned, it’s pretty interesting.
It was pretty fun explaining this to Mici. I was drawing on the chalkboard, using the story of The Bushman that my psychologist told us, in our group, as a metaphor to explain the Four F’s and I had this feeling. This feeling of wanting to share, maybe a yearning, a calling? It felt good explaining this stuff and using some of Mici’s past to illustrate how the table works. It’s pretty incredible what can come out when one does this. I think this is my calling, to help people, to counsel, to give knowledge and understanding. To let people know they are not alone.
I feel this fire burning in my soul and whenever I share my stories with someone that might be going through something, it burns even brighter. Plus, with the World Health Organization officially clarifying that gaming addiction is a mental illness, it’s a field I’m definitely more interested in now as I love both. It’s like two pieces falling in place together.
I am by no means saying that I have my shit under control. In fact, I really don’t but I feel that without my old job holding me back, or to be more honest, without having the pressures that my old job threw on me and me not being able to handle those pressures, I feel like now, I have more of a grasp of what I want to do. I’m just not sure where to start.
There is also something else that I have noticed that came out today. I’m leaning too much on my psychologist. It was brought to my attention that I only see her usually when there is a crisis in my life and there is just a bunch of negative things in my head but I never see her when things are going smoothly or fail to notice the positives that have happened.
I don’t acknowledge the small and simple things that should be considered victories to someone like me.
I got out of bed. Victory.
I showered. Victory.
I left on time. Victory.
I ate three meals and took my pills. Victory.
I attended every group session. Victory.
I participated in every group session. Victory.
I engaged with and socialized with people. Victory.
I shared my stories and my experience with others. Victory.
I’m writing today. Victory.
I drank a lot of water. Victory.
I haven’t taken any pain killers. Victory.
I have become so happy with myself right now, listing my victories. Small to some, but insanely, Galactus like huge to people with anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders.
Right now, at this very moment, I feel like I am on the right path. The path I should be on. This exploration and dissecting of my identity have proven more insightful than I ever would have thought possible.
Don’t get me wrong, the dissecting is not an easy process. It’s difficult, it’s emotional, it’s tearful and it will be time-consuming but it is necessary for me to find myself again.
I need to shed this skin of what I am currently. I need to evolve into a better version of me and I can no longer avoid the pain and obstacles that have been placed in my path by others and more importantly, obstacles that I have placed in front of myself. I will overcome this and I will be stronger for it.
There is a small light at the end of the tunnel that I never used to see. It’s there. It’s faint and blurry but it is there. Which means there is hope for me and that hope will fuel my determination to reach that light.
I won’t give up on myself.
Don’t give up on you.
It would be ignorant of me to say that I am a product of bullying. There were many factors at play that shaped me into the person I am today. Bullying was just one of them and I will discuss these other factors at a later time but for now, this is a post dedicated to my first bully in an ongoing blog series. Please consider supporting me by commenting, sharing your stories in the comments, liking and sharing this entry if you feel you should. Continue reading “Exploring the Past of an Anxious, Depressive Person: Remembering Your First Bully from Decades Ago – Part 1”
Already a week has passed and now that my time is coming to an end at the clinic I feel myself getting stuck into similar patterns. The happiness that was so uplifting last week has all but ceased to exist. I feel the turmoil and deeply hidden stress lying in the pit of my stomach and I have no idea what to do about it.
I’ve been at the wellness clinic for three days, the first two days I’ve actually been happy. I haven’t felt happier like that in a long time. I was outgoing, funny, I was participating, I made friends, made jokes and today, this afternoon, it all dropped in an instant, in one moment… Continue reading “The Shadow In Me”