I am an Insecure Mess #25

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but the last couple of posts have been relatively positive but last night that changed. Continue reading

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image courtesy of www.facebookquotes4u.com

That is Life #9 27/03/2018

It was the start of a new week and a fresh set of problems. Actually, Monday wasn’t that bad. I got through my calls, made time to go to the bank and managed to get a loan of R20 000 to fix my car. I sent that through to the panel beater and I’m just going to have to be patient for now. They seem like trustworthy guys so I’m going on faith in humanity that this guy is going to do good, honest and reliable work and have my car back to me at the agreed upon time. He said three weeks. I’ve started the countdown. Continue reading

Not A Bad Day #7 23/03/2018

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(image courtesy of….i don’t know. So many sites have used this it seems)

Well, it’s finally one week ago that I had my accident. I’ve been dreading Friday. Having to drive the same road to my maintenance client. I was nervous and anxious. I used breathing techniques and managed to compose myself. It’s occurred to me now that I’ve actually had two accidents at the exact same place. The first time was eight years ago. The exact same place. I always felt that was a cursed road. Anyway, I got to my client which is eighty kilometers out-of-town and managed the whole way without so much as a panic attack so big win for me. Continue reading

No Motivation #4 21/03/2018

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(image courtesy of http://www.depressionarmy.com/ourblog/2016/7/17/doodles-vs-depression)

MONDAY 19/03/2018

The start of the week was no better really. Upon waking up I found that there was already a message from the lady who’s car I hit. Stating that I should go to Old Mutual and ask for a loan and that she’ll let me know when she receives the quote etc. If you are newly diagnosed with anxiety/depression, have only just gone back to work and ended up in a car accident within your first week of being back in the real world this would be the wrong way to start the day.

So now, before work has even started which I’m already anxious about and finding myself with no motivation to even keep going at this job, I enter another panic attack. How was I going to meet her? What arrangements could I possibly make to assist her and more what if thoughts enter. Lloyd was having a field day. As arranged I sent her a text telling her that she needs to deal with Wendy. I blocked her from my contact list and tried to start my day.

Getting to work and arranging with my employer a company car proved to be a little more taxing on myself than I would like to admit. I felt so guilty that I was even in the car accident because now I was making my problems his. He was accommodating at least and hooked me with up with a beat down Tazz. Not the most comfortable vehicle as the drivers seat is slightly squashed so you are holding yourself at an angle while driving. Plus, I’m short and the seat is pretty low so couldn’t see properly. My ego and confidence dropped a little. But hey, I had a car that I could do my calls with and that’s all that counts really. First thing I did though was go home, got some cushions and threw those on the drivers seat. Confidence went back up but ego dropped again.

During the course of the day Wendy contacted me and started revealing some information pertaining to the car accident. According to our law if both parties don’t have insurance then we can claim from the RAF (road accident fund) however this lady didn’t like that answer and bluntly stated that it’s because she’s black and I think she’s stupid that I think I would get away with this. Now from my previous posts, I am not trying to get away with anything but having an objective person take a look at the situation things suddenly weren’t what they appeared to be. More information came out. That she is not the owner of the vehicle, that she is not from Cape Town. In fact she works at Old Mutual here in my town and lives here. If you remember she asked me to go to Old Mutual to apply for  a loan. It became apparent that this woman was up to something and manipulating the situation, knowing that I could easily be taken for a ride. The conversation ended between her and Wendy after that, stating that I was going to pay. It didn’t help me hearing about that but I was told to focus on getting my car up and running as quickly as I could as I needed it for work.

TUESDAY 20/03/2018

I did not sleep well the night before. I hadn’t done any meditation or mindfulness to help me calm down since the accident because I simply couldn’t focus. I was tired, not in the mood for work and just felt like staying in bed. Lloyd kept telling me to stay in bed anyway as I would serve no use to anybody today. With that comment, I got out of bed and went to work.

I informed my employer of the update to the car telling him that I had a few people coming through to give me quotes. There was an urgent call for 8:30 that he wanted me to do so I agreed. My job was to install a laptop, install Office 2016, setup a printer and install a bar code label scanner. Everything seemed easy enough but with being in IT I knew something about this call was going to be wrong. The company I work for doesn’t have a high standard of planning things or communicating for that matter. It’s more RESPONSE! RESPONSE! RESPONSE! kind of mentality. The label scanner sent up a red flag in my head and I already knew that I would have to be prepared for an anxiety attack at this call.

I got to the client who was nice enough and spoke to him about what I would be doing onsite. He owns a book store and wants to scan all his books via the bar codes on the back and add them to a database so he could create a website and add the books online. I don’t know the first thing about creating databases, how the hell to configure this scanner and he had no internet so I couldn’t research it.

The printer and laptop installation was installed without a problem. I connected the label scanner, installed the drivers and had no idea what to do with this thing afterwards. It would detect bar codes but without an actual program to identify and organize the codes it was really just a waste of space. I called my employer to ask if he knew about any companies that could assist. He told me “It can’t be that hard to install a label scanner. Get it done.” There seems to be no thought process with my boss. Just get it done. OK sure. I wasted a few hours researching, (from my phone), going through trial and error going through R300 of my own money to download drivers and software in order to try and get this thing working and which by the way I can’t charge for all my hours because “It can’t be that hard.” By the end of the call I still couldn’t get the damn thing working. I arranged with the client to be back when he had internet and I left feeling shit. Lloyd was laughing at me because I couldn’t get it working. Telling me I was an idiot and I really shouldn’t even try. I sighed, got in the car and left.

At some point during the day I got a phone call from a random guy telling me that he was the actual owner of the car that I had hit. Another red flag. I gave him Wendy’s number and thought nothing more of it. Later I got a message from the lady (I didn’t block her properly) saying that my consultant (Wendy) wasn’t answering her phone, that lawyers were trying to get hold of her and for me to make a plan. I started to panic. I called Wendy and she said she had received no phone calls except from the guy who called me and said he was the owner and it came out the car was insured as well.

There are too many lies from these people. I have no insurance. They do, which means they can sort their car out. That’s what insurance is for. The fact that the lady lied about where she came from, heavily implying that she was the owner and now this guy saying he is the owner and now there is insurance…many red flags. We think we know what they are up to. They wanted me to send them cash for the damages of their car and they would still claim from insurance. That way they get a pocket full of spending money and the insurance fixes the car. If I had gone to Old Mutual to apply for that loan, the lady would have made commission as well. Three separate pay outs.  Now, I am quite prepared to take this to court if it gets to that. I’m all for being mostly responsible for this accident but if she was on the road “without insurance” then she would already be at fault as well. I am more to blame yes but she needs to receive some accountability.

I really dislike people like this. That use race as a weapon against people. That lie to get more money of out someone. I just want some honesty. I hate humans.

Meet Lloyd #1 15/03/2018

Backfiring Universe #2 16/03/2018

Rough Weekend #3 20/03/2018

A Drama-less Day #5 22/03/2018

They Took My Gas! #6 22/03/2018

Not A Bad Day #7 23/03/2018

Words of the Weekend#8 26/03/2018

That is Life #9 27/03/2018