The Two Year Time Gap

Well, it certainly has been a long time hasn’t it. 🙂

Much has changed since that somewhat bleak post just over two years ago.  I was still in a bad space, clearly. I’m starting to feel an itch, an itch that needs to be scratched.  The problem is that I can’t remember how to scratch it.  It’s almost like my brain has lost complete knowledge of how I ever used to do this.  But all I can do I guess, is put my fingers to the keyboard and just let something happen. Lets see where this takes us.

As I said in the beginning much has changed.  After that last post, even after the comments from Drakulus and Cary, I never came back on here.  I didn’t even think about writing about games. In all honesty, games weren’t even on my mind.  The will to game had been lost and I didn’t care. I quite literally forgot that I had a WordPress account and totally disregarded all my notifications in my Gamers Therapy email account. There were other things to focus on.

I tried being healthy, (which is bullshit because I’m still smoking), so as healthy as a smoker could be. I was completely committed to losing weight (which technically is cheating because I was depressed at the time so the fat just fell off).  Truth be told my life had been completely reset and I think for the better.

July 2014 to February 2015:

I stayed at my job as a Xerox IT Analyst, hung out with a few friends who happened to stay close to where I was boarding at the time, went to another friend every Friday night to play guitar hero until very early hours of the morning.  These were all distractions of course, things to keep me busy so I didn’t have to think of what an utter failure I had become.  I went through some bad bouts as well.  I don’t really drink but there was an event or something and I had a drink or drinks, I honestly can’t remember and my walls came crumbling down. It was awfully embarrassing. Here was this 29-year-old man, taking antidepressants, bawling like a complete baby over his life. (good times) but there was someone helping me move along, picking me up whenever I stumbled, giving me complete and unconditional love and support.  This person became my rock, my fortress of solitude. I was excited to get home to see and speak to her. We went for walks, went to the beach, played Mario Kart and spoke about everything. She helped me more than ever. You see, I have no family here besides my daughter (forgot I had daughter didn’t you) and she quickly became my family. There was never any judgement or contempt over my failures or stumbles and she is always still there for me. Her name is Michaela.

Eventually, I started to find some motivation in my life.  The place that I was staying was becoming to crowded and negative for my liking and so I had every intention to leave as soon as I could. (There are much more details into these events but for the sake of this post, I’m not going to delve into specifics) I eventually found a great little flat which I am still currently staying in. So good to have my own space!! Having finally achieved independence again things started progressing slowly forward.

February 2015 to March 2016:

Many things changed during this period. Michaela and I had formed a solid relationship, she even moved in with me I think after three months. We were never really good at being apart. Michaela worked at a video store (having just finished high school, that’s kind of the only job that was around) and eventually I started working there as well for a bit of extra cash. This was our life now, I had two jobs. My main one being the IT guy and the second working at a video store. Mici (Michaela) and I were always together. We created our own personal bubble and a fuck the world attitude. Unfortunately, the world had that same attitude with us so things were good but definitely not easy.  We would come home and watch series, and movies. Every now and then a friend would come by but we generally like to keep to ourselves.  My daughter Paige started visiting every Saturday and eventually would spend the night as well. I also managed to get myself a car. (i was using the company car during this time) Eventually, I got myself off of those pesky antidepressants and I even managed to get myself  a Playstation 4.

April 2016 to now:

Obviously, Mici and I didn’t want to work at our jobs forever. I didn’t want two jobs because that was exhausting and Mici was becoming worried that she wouldn’t find anything else. She needed more of challenge and I needed to get out of my comfort zone.  We both took a chance and started applying for work.  It took Mici months to finally find a job but I think it was worth it in the end as she seems to really enjoy it. She is an assistant accountant now at one of the most prestigious accounting firms in town. Me, I left my job at Xerox and started working for a more IT related field technician. The money is way better, plus commission which is insanely easy to get.  Because of my nearly ten-year work career at Xerox I decided to cash in on my pension as there were things that I needed to get for myself which was only a car as the other was costing me more than I would have liked.  I found myself a good car and after that Mici and I just kind of enjoyed the money for a bit. Yeah it was a stupid decision. I should have put the rest straight into a savings account or a retirement fund but I didn’t and you know what? Best decision ever. I don’t regret spending that money at all. We had months of being comfortable, not over doing it but if we wanted to go out we would. If i wanted to buy her a gift I could and that feeling is awesome.  For my thirtieth birthday she and I traveled up to Johannesburg to see my family and we enjoyed a very expensive and awesome night at a strip club called teasers.(Yup, you read that right. Who else has a girl who actually wants to go see other naked ladies with you, plus my family…how screwed up are we, haha)

Nothing much has really changed in the last few months since then.  Mici loves her job. My job is very stressful and I’m thinking about rebooting my career but I’m still seeing where it goes currently. I’ve been gaming a lot lately which has been extremely enjoyable and I’m even excited about games that are coming out even though they are remasters.

That’s my life up until me writing this article.

Enough about me…

How are you guys?

P.S. Yesterday we took Paige to the Lion Park and I can’t resist but upload this. It’s a beautiful pic of Mici and Paige. Aren’t they both the most beautiful things ever? 🙂

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Hi there world, remember me?

So, it’s been over a year since I published anything on this blog.  To be exact the last thing I put on here was on the 19 March 2014.  So, it’s been a while… I’m not sure I even remember how to write so bear with me while I find my fingers and training wheels again.

Let me catch you guys up though because that might be easier…

My life has changed, drastically, I might add.  My partner and I split last year July (roughly).  I had to move out and start a whole new everything.  I didn’t have a place to live so I ended up moving in with one of my managers for a couple of months.  I tell you, not having your own space can drive you bananas.  I also didn’t have a car because I left that with my ex because she would need it to get to work and back and to get our daughter to school. It was one hell of a change.

I went through an extremely bad bout of depression.  I’ve never been depressed.  People always say they are depressed but it’s no joke. The feeling of guilt, loneliness, mixed up with the sense of regret, missing the one person who’s been with you for nearly ten years, not seeing your daughter everyday, not having your own place to live or your own car to drive around in, plus working at a job that you hate and all these other small things.  All of it took its toll on me.  I was broken, thinking about it now, I think I was worse than broken.  I was this empty shell of a person just trying to place one foot in front of the other and I stumbled, a lot.  I lost so much weight and spent most of the time crying.  It’s almost as if, I couldn’t accept the decision that was made.  Honestly, my throat still kind of closes up at the thought.

I found an outlet in pain.  I enjoyed cutting myself, still do actually, always have.  It’s a form of relief that I’m familiar with.  I wasn’t trying to kill myself or anything, but that feeling of pain is so liberating that in that moment when the skin tears, there’s this physical manifestation of everything you’ve been feeling.  It’s hard to describe but anyone who has had their own experience with depression will understand where I’m coming from.  I tell you, counselling helps a bit. After a few months of that, I finally found my own place and obtained a car and I think majority of the healing began.

Don’t get me wrong I had people helping me the whole way but that’s a story for another time.  I’m just focusing on me right now but I need to credit a lot of people for their support. This post is going to be unbalanced, kind of fucked up so to speak.  I don’t even expect many people to read it.

I guess this is still me, trying to put one foot in front of the other again and hopefully I’ll make progress into writing again. Anyway, I can’t promise that there will be something here soon.  This honestly is me dipping my toes into the water.  I’m terrified of doing this again.  I have zero-self confidence in my ability to blog, or even write about anything gaming related.

But hey, baby steps right?