Already a week has passed and now that my time is coming to an end at the clinic I feel myself getting stuck into similar patterns. The happiness that was so uplifting last week has all but ceased to exist. I feel the turmoil and deeply hidden stress lying in the pit of my stomach and I have no idea what to do about it.
Sitting here, staring at my laptop, trying to figure out what to write and all I can think about is this gnawing in the back of my head. This ache, down in my abdomen. I’m confused as to which direction I should go once I leave the clinic but my psychologist insists that I slow these thoughts down. I’m not sure I can. I don’t have many options really and the stress and knowledge that it is already the 3rd of June, makes me think of all the payments coming at the end of the month that I currently have zero income to accommodate for.
My psychiatrist gave me new meds to try over the weekend. One of these tablets was supposed to help me focus on something without getting distracted. I have no idea if it worked. The only thing, I have really been able to focus on, is my writing here on the blog. That’s the only time where I feel myself being centered and that’s primarily because it isn’t hard. I’m literally translating the thoughts in my head to words on these posts of mine. I’m not sure if I am giving myself enough credit on this but those are my thoughts on that currently.
So what do I do? I need to figure out what I am feeling so let’s try some introspection. First of all, I’m not happy, I don’t even know what that means anymore. The anxiety is still there, I can feel it but it hasn’t really shown it’s ugly head since last Wednesday. I feel withdrawn and disconnected from my psychologist and my group and in turn, I feel alone. Almost like I’ve taken a step back on the road to recovery.
Okay, so why do I feel disconnected and withdrawn?
Well, last week, we were going through this workshop on creating boundaries and the twelve signs that you might lack them. Most of the signs I could easily identify with. While we were going through the list there was one described as a person that feels like they are constantly the victim of situations. When we got to this one, my psychologist implied that this applies to me, in which I took a bit of offense to, either the way it came out or the way I accepted it. Granted, that was just the sub-heading, the description was much better. I guess, I just have an issue with the “victim” word.
I have never pretended to be a victim of anything, I really do just seem to have bad luck. Twice my car has been broken into, twice my license has been stolen. Work was a toxic place to be. I mean, there are plenty of good things or neutral things that have happened this year but I don’t speak to my psychiatrist on the good things when there are much larger things that are having a negative effect on my life. I wouldn’t go to the doctor to tell him what isn’t wrong with me after all. In all honesty though, if I misunderstood what she meant or maybe I’m missing the part where I am at fault, then I just need some clarification. Everything else under the subheading I can agree with to a point, feeling overlooked or blamed at work, family and in social circles and being the sort of person that things always seem to go wrong for, hence my example above, yet those were legit happenings.
So, I guess, I felt embarrassed, ashamed and singled out for playing the “victim” in which I feel there is no real truth too. I don’t know what the intention was if there was one. I really need to ask my psychologist about what she meant. It may have been that shitty yoga instructor and this seemingly being singled out thing that has caused me to disconnect.
If you guys would like more information regarding boundaries and the info that I have, just let me know in the comments below and I’ll do a post on it.
’till next time, be kind to yourself and be kind to others.