“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” they say, (they, meaning the psychiatrists and psychologists) when you fail or don’t get things right, but, having to constantly deal with the deterioration of your mind, having very real things happening up there that warrant expected failures. How can you not be hard on yourself when life always is?
It’s 2:13AM, early on a Monday morning. I have my day at the wellness clinic in a few hours and here I am typing out a blog post. This has been happening for far too long, where I find myself dead tired during the course of the day and once I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, these other thoughts just seep in.
Let’s start swinging straight from the get-go. I hate failing. You hate failing. Everybody hates failing. It’s part of life, right?
This will be another attempt at “rehab” in order to course correct my very existence. The last time, I thought I had it figured out. And I failed, I failed hard. I failed at everything. The only thing I managed to succeed at is being an anxious, depressive thirty-two-year-old man-child.
This is the part where they say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I think that can only really apply to people who have a balanced ratio of victories and losses in their life. How can one not be hard on themselves if they find that they are constantly failing? Life, won’t let me forget it so, internally speaking, why should I? Why should you? You are accountable for your life, aren’t you?
I closed my eyes tonight, and as I had these random thoughts (or thoughts in word format to be more accurate) a picture of my 6-year-old-daughter and her mom, appeared in my mind. My daughters face, then past moments started playing, eating ice-cream with her, us playing video games, going for walks, going to the park. Playing My Little Pony with her ginormous amount of toys.
We even had a clash of universes between My Little Pony and Spider-Man. Doctor Octopus had crossed into a parallel reality and kidnapped all the ponies. (his intentions are still unclear) Spider-Man had to team up with Rainbow Dash to free the ponies, save Equestria and return the villainous Doc Ock back to his universe. My daughter loved playing that for a while.
I find myself tonight, being plagued with happy memories and feeling like a complete failure. I hate not seeing my daughter and I usually see her every Saturday. Last weekend I chose not to see her because I was in the process of my break which lasted another week. I haven’t seen her this weekend either because of the same exact reason. I don’t know if I’ll see her this weekend as I have no idea how I’ll feel at that point and the guilt of not seeing her and feeling like a failure of a father is overwhelming.
I AM AFRAID
I don’t want to fail her. I don’t want to fail in this image I want her to have of me, and of what life could be. Her mom is getting married, and I worry that her future husband is going to be a better step-father to my daughter than I could ever be a father. I also worry that this shitty little town will be the only thing she ever knows as her mother is quite complacent with it. I worry that I’m going to fail to show my kid that dreams can come true and I worry that I will not be an example to look up to.
I can’t fail again, I am fucking terrified of it.
I can’t work it seems at a “normal” place because currently, I can’t seem to deal with the pressure so I am trying so hard to find remote work, to keep us going. Transcribing, practicing voice acting, wanting to learn game development. At least these are things I am interested in but the one thought that keeps bubbling up, developing from this pit of fear, deep, deep down within me.
“What makes this time any different?“
I don’t have an answer for that. I mean– I guess, I am a little more together because I have much more knowledge on my condition and can curb some of my anxiety and panic attacks but that’s it. Other than that, I can’t find a single thing that makes this different from the last time.
If I can’t find work that I’m suitable for then I have to go back to what I was doing and this whole process will repeat. Although it could repeat even if I try these new things because I’ll stress that I’m not learning the skills that I need in a quick enough fashion.
So, again, I ask what is the point in being told to “not be so hard yourself” when life is going to be hard on you anyway and probably harder.