I am a Fucking Idiot

Things have not been going very well for me lately, at least not mentally. Sure there have been some things that have happened in my physical life, like not reaching target for work, my boss still being an absolute tool.

My car got broken into and I received a black eye for my troubles. Since then, things have slowly started to fall lower and lower for me. I am beginning to function less, I’m in bed way more often. I have this headache that will not quit, I am not closer to finding work anywhere else no matter how hard I look. I am actually looking for a remote job that I can do from home but apparently, I suck at everything or being in my side of the world is always against me.

I have always wanted to get involved in the gaming industry in some capacity. Be it writing, marketing, community management, whatever, but I always give up or life seems to intervene. Trying to get popular on the likes of Twitter which is fantastic for engagement with key developers if they reply is very rewarding to me but I realize now as typing this, it’s the illusion of progress. Unfortunately for Twitter, it is also a CEST pool for negativity, hate and just other, bad feelings which often lead me to get down on myself.

With that being said, I have met some very nice people on the platform but it does seem that the bad outweighs the good or at least currently that’s what it seems like from my current perspective.

Now, it’s actually so funny, that also while typing this it feels like my mind is on fire. I am shaking, my hands are sweaty, my head is killing me, so many negative thoughts are firing in my brain and while I have the tools and knowledge on how to curb these thoughts, it’s not seeming to work right now so here’s hoping to a successful outlet until I see my doctor today at 16:30.

While I wait here is other things that I have tried to curb my anxiety. I have gone for a walk, I’ve breathed and tried mindfulness. I went to the park yesterday, yet the thoughts are still there, blasting my mind at the speed of light.

The thing that does help though is typing. I don’t know if it is the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard or the fact that I can just let these thoughts come out as they happen but due to this discovery I found my way, somehow to Itch.io. If you don’t know what that is, it is a place where a community of small indie developers get together to release their projects.

Due to my needing, something else to focus on I downloaded Twine which is a program you can use to create text-based games.

I thought I would give it a bash since nothing else was helping but couldn’t figure out what to write about. It dawned on me at this point that I have a ton of nightmares that have been seared into my memory and I could write about those. So I created my first text-based game using Twine and I called my little story No More which you can check out for yourself. It does reference bodily harm, suicide and other stuff so be warned but personally, I don’t think it’s that scary. Just one of my nightmares.

My work clearly – FYI, worthless not spelt wrong didn’t realize where the edge was, FML

Now admittedly and what my girlfriend so rightfully pointed out yesterday was that I have unrealistic expectations.  I released a small text-based short story and was disappointed because I hardly got any views on it. And again, thinking about these things in hindsight, of course, I have no views as nobody knows who I am! If I am even someone worth knowing, that’s still up for debate but I digress.

The thing is, after writing said “game” I remembered how much I love characters and story, yet I kind of suck at writing. I have this idea in my head of what my nightmare with visuals would look like. And quite honestly, I think people would play it if it looked that good.

It would be a first-person walking sim, using the Unreal Engine. negative thoughts are voices coming through your headphones from all angles, like Hellblade, some slightly at the back, some from the left and right and top of it this, weird static noise.  – Please don’t steal this

It wouldn’t change the industry or anything but it would be creepy, it focuses on mental health which is a big topic in today’s climate and rightfully so.

To top that off the other thing I did was create a Patreon page in hopes that nine-hundred people would donate at least $1 so that I could get $900 so that I can quit my job and focus on what I want to do which is something in the gaming industry, learn to make a game, focus on my mental health. Yeah I know, talk about ambitious plus I would need $900 monthly, so, what a blunder that I have left up there for everyone to see.

I don’t know the first thing about a Patreon page, or what tiers there should be, hell, I don’t even think I’m worth people giving a shit about and yet I want complete strangers to give me money so that I can be sane.

I am a fucking idiot.

4 thoughts on “I am a Fucking Idiot

  1. I have an active imagination so I was able to imagine everything you were saying. Especially the first paragraph, it filled me with sadness though. Being stuck obviously, I can relate to that. It’s beautiful though, everything you wrote, absolutely beautiful.

    Like

  2. You ever feel like you are flying above a vast expanse of wheat? It is everywhere, as far as your eyes can see. The wind kicks up and the gentle roll of the soft golden scene before you does the most beautiful dance. Mother nature in perfect harmony. Yet, you float above it, pressing on. The direction, it doesn’t matter, all around you is beauty and you desperately want to be a part of it. A few times you’ve tried to fly lower and lower if only the soft brushes would open and swallow you. You wouldn’t have to fly anymore, just lay there, wrapped in a soft warm embrace. Finally, you will have found your sense of belonging. If you can’t fly lower you resolved to at least trying to touch it but your arms never seem long enough. The world dances below you and you can do nothing but observe, want, need -to belong. Flying…

    You ever feel like you are stuck? Day after day in the same place. You sit there staring at the most beautiful blue sky but your feet are shackled by the dirt and the soft muck of the world. It gives you life and security but you spend all day doing the same thing -surviving. Everyone around you is doing the same thing far too close for your comfort. Once in a while, the blue sky goes dark and you see what you want. It floats above you so fast you wonder if it was real at all, a dream? You think on it all the time, you have nothing else to do, if only there were a way for you to be as free as that shadow and see the world, explore, find a path to duty and purpose above the still madness around you.

    One day the shadow comes back. It looks at you, you look at it, and for a split second you both see into each other. Suddenly it flies away faster than it ever has before and never returns. At first you are sad but you know you have changed. You look at the beings around you who feel the same way you once did and you resolve to show all of them what you have learned. One by one the beauty of what you all are is revealed and slowly you start to dance and sway. Nature, in perfect harmony.

    Liked by 1 person

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