A Peaceful Thought

Define normal? What does it take to be normal? I’ve always been against the term “normal” because “normal” is relative to each individual and their unique personalities. However, after my anxiety attack last night, I came to a strangely peaceful thought, one that used to scare me.

Everything was kind of OK most of the day. The last couple of days I have admittedly felt overwhelmed with everything I’ve been doing. Editing, second-guessing myself, not sure what to do with my video that I want to upload next week, thinking of ways to improve it.

I’m not sure where it started. It could have been the Santa Fe shooting thing that hit Twitter which got me really down for a number of reasons.

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I suddenly felt very alone in the world because I couldn’t find anyone who could accurately express my feelings on the matter. Nobody and I mean nobody expressed anything similar to my feelings and if they did I must have missed it in the sea of rightful condemnation that had infiltrated the thread.

I tried to cheer myself up but something was off inside me. I could feel it. I started to sift through my thoughts in an attempt to find the root cause of where this emotion emanated from.

I came up with a number of things.

I can no longer afford to see my therapist as my medical aid is no longer covering me. No matter how many motivational letters my shrink sends them it always gets denied and the cash cost is nearly R1000 per session. So I need to figure out a way to be without her.

My car needs new tires and a wheel alignment which is more money gone.

One of my close friends has been pretty busy lately, and I miss him. I think he has a new girlfriend which is awesome by the way. I love that because he deserves to be happy and he’s been by himself for a long time and whoever ends up with him is extremely lucky in my opinion. So if he reads this I’m happy that you’re happy but I miss you, bro.

Yup, that was definitely one of the emotions because even typing that paragraph led my eyes to well up.

I still owe my aunt and Greg money as they helped me out a lot just after I got out of the wellness clinic as my commission was non-existent and I hate being in debt to people.

I tried to cheer myself up by finally starting to watch the newest season of Supernatural. (I’m a huge fan)

I don’t like watching episodes weekly, I prefer to binge watch.

So it was good fun and I got up to episode six and although I was enjoying the show, I still felt pretty dull, hollow and sad inside. This dull ache just sitting there in the pit of my stomach. I had successfully distracted myself from my emotions, all the while saying it will pass.

The emotions did not pass and instead were amplified to the breaking point just before Mici and I went to bed.

Before we went to sleep Mici brought up wanting to go shopping with Simz. I found this strange because usually if Mici wanted to go out she would normally want to go with me so I asked her why all of a sudden she wanted to go shopping with her. After what seemed like a long ramble which didn’t make sense knowing Mici, the truth came out. While the rambling was going on my mind turned against me.

Naturally, because I’m a freak and wired incorrectly, my thoughts escalated into things along the lines of

does she not want to hang out with me? does she need space? Have I done something wrong? Is there someone else? Am I not making her happy? What have I done wrong?

The reason for the shopping was so that she could go try on dresses for her friend’s wedding. Being the bridesmaid and all it would be obvious that this would come along. I had been so distracted by everything I was doing that I forgot about the wedding.

Due to the internal emotional struggle, I was going through in the evening, the wedding event was the last thing I needed and because my emotions had not passed, the pain that I was feeling all night just got bigger and more pronounced.

I hit anxiety mode. Heartbeat racing faster? Check. Sweaty palms? Check. Nervous twitches? Check? Whirlwind thoughts telling me how pathetic I am? Check.

I started to use the breathing exercises and it helped a bit and I started to calm down all the while now feeling terrible and embarrassed that this had happened.

You know that feeling when something is bothering someone but they won’t tell you what it is? That happened.

Mici’s tone had changed ever so slightly when I asked her if she was OK after I had somewhat got my emotions under a little more control. Meaning, I could actually start speaking. Of course, she didn’t want to tell me. She never wants to tell me and I always have to pry it out of her which is fine. It’s who she is and although it’s selfish I can’t really get to bed knowing that she has something on her mind that should be addressed but won’t reveal it. I like to address issues before it becomes a huge thing.

What’s wrong?“, I asked.

I feel like I’m alone in this whole wedding thing.”. she replied.

While completely non-intentional, the key phrase I heard was “I feel like I’m alone and it hit my heart like Mjolnir at the helm.

Was I hurt because she felt alone? Yes.

I was hurt because like I mentioned in my last vlog video is that it sucks that she can’t talk to me about the wedding because of how I react and even though I know it’s unfair on her, I can’t seem to change it.

I know she wishes that I would just be ok and she also knows that it’s unfair to ask this of somebody with my condition.

At the same time, it’s extremely fair that she feels this way and unfair of me to expect her to be ok with my problem. It’s not easy to hang out with someone like me but to date a socially anxious person who is the exact opposite of you in every way?

It’s a shitty situation for both of us.

She has every right to feel the way she does. As I mentioned in the video, who wouldn’t want to talk about the wedding that she is involved in? It’s her first wedding and a bridesmaid, she should be excited and I just bring her down.

The thoughts came like a tornado, piercing every essence of my being. I was no longer there in my head. I was in a dark and chaotic place. Trapped in isolation with the negative thoughts attacking me like demons or unseen ghosts.

Look what you’ve done. She deserves so much better than you. She’ll eventually leave you. You should end it with her and spare her the pain of being with you. Let her have a life. You’re pathetic. You don’t deserve her you snivelling pest.”

I love her.”

You can’t love. You’re too broken. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human being and you are bringing her down. Cut her loose. She’ll thank you for that. How could she even love someone as completely selfish as you?

I don’t know…

You never know. You’re stupid. How could you know anything? You’re a maggot that should be stepped on. Insignificant in this world. Pathetic, heartfelt little shit. Selfish cunt. Fucking moron. What are you?

I’m pathetic

That’s right. You are.” 

I kid you not, these are the thoughts that presented themselves. This is the conversation I was having in my mind while in reality, I was a snivelling, snotty, broken, wreck of a man and I felt worse because the person who also felt alone was the person trying to comfort me, the person that I love the most in the world, the person that I’ve dreamed of being with for so long.

I can’t be there for her.

How am I supposed to be there for her when is she is always there for me? Why did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? Why can’t I look after the one person who accepts me for who and what I am?

After what felt like an eternity, the raging ocean subsided in my mind. Creeping in ever so slowly, like a gentle breeze that comes out of nowhere, calming the ocean and with it, the thoughts slowly sinking beneath it’s blackened waters. Then a thought struck me.

I’m not afraid of death. I remember I used to be about twelves years ago I think before this new version of me became a reality. It was interesting and I explored that thought and emotion.

I’m not afraid of death anymore because I have zero issue with dying. I’m not suicidal or anything. It’s not like I’m going to jump in front of a car or slit my throat.

It’s just that if I happened to die, I feel like I would be free. Free of responsibility, free of fear, free of the fear of losing Mici and Paige and free from myself and the dark thoughts that plague me. Free of this cycle of working eight hours a day and losing half your life in the process. Free of knowing that all of life is pretty pointless because in the grand scheme of things nothing really matters.

I’m not afraid to die anymore and I find that to be quite a peaceful thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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