*Contains spoilers for Wolfenstein: The New Order, the first 15 minutes of Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus, bad language and questionable statements.
“I’m B.J. Blazkowicz. Hard ass american soldier, only purpose in this world is to destroy Nazi scum and protect those I care about. Sure I’m fighting a war but it literally feels like everything is on me and believe me I’ve killed a lot of people. I think I’ve killed more than Nathan Drake and he’s a mass murderer. Upon returning to this life of war, bullets, gunpowder, ugly German women and BDSM soldiers, everything starts coming back to me.”
This is whats happened so far…
I remember Ferguson telling me I’m “as tough as they come.” (Yeah, he digs me. Is it weird that I find that Irish accent of Ferguson’s pretty sexy?) Private Wyatt destroying a mechanical pooch, coming face to face with Deathshead, the impossible choice between who dies, Ferguson or Wyatt. (For me it was a no brainer really. Ferguson is awesome) Then getting blown out of a building, falling to my death and still getting hit in the back of the head from flying shrapnel and debris on the way down. (Did I do something awful in a previous life or something?)
I regained consciousness in some hospital but I was a vegetable. I’ve enjoyed just staring absent mindedly, completely comatose for a few months, just watching the world go by. There was a nurse named Anya who took good care of me. I eventually got back on my feet and Anya explained to me what happened since I’ve been zoning at the world. For some reason we fell in love. (The nightingale effect?) She means a lot to me but I have no idea why. We shagged at some point which was nice but she’s no Ferguson…just saying. I remember threatening some dude with a chainsaw, which is the equivalent of Batman in the Dark Knight screaming, “Where are they!!” Meeting new characters and apparently old ones that I honestly didn’t remember. Caroline who is in a wheelchair, some big, lurch looking mother fucker named Max who is “special” but has a heart of gold. I met Set Roth, the source of the Nazi technology, Bombate who seems like a chilled guy and came to face to face with that older, crazy german chick named Frau, (Could you be more German?) and is hell-bent on being evil. A couple of infiltration memories later, coming face to face with Deathshead for a final showdown, winning the showdown but Deathshead had the last laugh. Right before he died, he held up a grenade with the pin out. Everything went white.
After the explosion, Deathshead was pretty much in pieces and somehow I wasn’t even though I was literally face to face with him…yeah I can’t explain that either. I should’ve been permanently down a few times now. Maybe, like the Winchesters, I have a guardian angel watching over me. I managed to drag my sorry ass a few meters away, a blood trail leading right to me for dramatic effect. I heard soldiers voices in my earpiece asking if they have permission to launch the nuclear canon at….. the place… .where I’m at. (I forget important details, sometimes) Everything goes dark. I’m starting to think I’m going blind with all the white and now the dark that seems to be afflicting my sight. I guess two explosions right in front of my face will do that to you. Something I should look into in future.
I hear voices screaming my name but I can’t quite place them. I have a flashback to when I was a young boy. I’m in bed. My mother sitting on the side. She’s telling me that my father won’t be home tonight due to business in Dallas. She touches my head commenting on how my father apparently beat my ass. (You’d think I would have remembered that.) Another immediate flash forward in time. I see sporadic images of Deathshead and suddenly I’m back in the moment when I had to choose between saving Ferguson or Wyatt. I’ve actually butterfly effected my ass to this moment. An insanely strong sense of Deja vu (I have some amazing abilities). I strongly consider perhaps saving Wyatt this time around. I mean, Wyatt was just a kid, I could give him a life, a strong character story. Maybe he will survive this war and start a family when he’s older. Then I chose to save Ferguson. (That accent boy, god damn! Besides, it’s probably what Jesus wanted)
I’m back at the present again. (Seriously? I’m going blind and my brain is short circuiting. How could I possibly have another adventure with this all trauma?) I see Anya coming in my field of vision calling me a stupid man. (Well, that’s nice. I just saved the fucking world, I’m going blind, I’m butterfly effecting and now I’m stupid. Told you I don’t know why we fell in love.) I see Caroline and that scientist guy Set. Then I hear the sexy irish accent of Ferguson. He’s saying that my innards are coming out and somebody mentions to hold them back in. Another voice, “that’s not good.” (Gee, dipshit you think? If it was Fergy I’ll forgive him) All of them help carry me to a helicopter. I’m hearing the general medical terms I’ve seen in shows like E.R .”He’s bleeding faster!” kind of jargon that makes the scene more tense and interesting to follow. All I can focus on though is the beautiful orange sky that I can see via the open ramp of the helicopter. (Not a very safe pilot in my opinion.)
Another flashback. (Good God, my brain must be moosh.) Back in bed again, my mother once again sitting beside me. She tells me about this ring that’s been in our family for eight generations and that I should give it to someone special. Also I shouldn’t mention this to my Dad as he’s obviously a cunt. At the same time I realize I have a dog. Speak of the Devil, my father gets home. As he does the dog gets scared and bolts out of the room. More flashes in front of me and I find myself in a dark hallway, hearing my father speaking about how much he’s suffered. (jackass) Then a gunshot gets fired. The muzzle flash illuminating the entire hallway.
Flashpresent, (Ok seriously, this is starting to feel like the third and fourth season of Fringe. I’m expecting a flashsideways any minute now) I hear Set saying he has to cut most of my intestines out. Anya screaming, “anything you can do to save him!” (What the actual fuck? I need my intestines lady. Just let me die. God, how selfish are you?!) Set then screaming that anyone who can give blood should be brought up. I hear Ferguson shouting, “You, you and you! Round everyone up and line up over here by the sick bay. Fucking run, you fucks!” (I almost giggle because with the irish accent it just sounds to good. I decide not to laugh as most of my intestines are probably going to be gone so who knows what kind of damage laughter will do to my body.)
Flashback, (Ooi) my mother hiding me in a closet. My father coming in asking her if that’s where I’m hiding. (Not very sharp my old man. It’s pretty obvious I’m in here ’cause she’s practically standing in front of it…jackass) My Dad goes on a rant about how his business is failing and that I shouldn’t be hanging out with a….( oh no you didn’t you southern fuck. He just used the N word. Is it still racism if I just type it out….let’s not take that chance.) My mother finally snaps and tells my dad that he is the reason the business is failing and all that stuff that comes with it. He obviously gets angry (because he’s a jackass) and hits her. Right at that moment my dog burst out of the closet that we were hiding in. (by the way, my dog was hiding in the closet with me) The dog attacks my father but he’s able to get the upper hand and throws the dog into the wall, kicking her in the stomach once she’s down. I grab a vase lying on the floor. My father goading me into coming closer. (For some reason I go closer) He grabs me by the neck, lifts me up and goes on his usual negative stuff. ( Imagine an abusive father) I smash the vase against his head. (Why he didn’t disarm me is anyone’s guess) He just stood there, blood spilling down his face. He then said something to the equivalent of “(Boy, you done fucked up neowww!)
Flashpresent. (My brain hurts.) Caroline is trying to keep me motivated I guess by saying how much she needs me in this battle or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening. Then Anya is placing my hand on her belly. “Can you feel the kicking?” (Now’s the time you tell me you’re preggars? I’ve had two explosions in my face, most of my intestines are gone, I butterfly effected, I’m having traumatic flashbacks about my abusive father, I think I’m going blind and now you tell me your pregnant.Your timing is impeccable Anya, seriously.)
Flashback. (what else can i say about these now. Clearly I’ve lost my mind) My father is dragging me into the tool shed, barn, workshop, whatever southerners had back in the day. He takes my dog and ties her up against a pole. Being a dick about it the entire way. He straps my hands to a bench and makes me hold the shotgun. He places my finger on the trigger and aims the shotgun directly at my dog. He’s forcing me to kill her. I can’t do it though. I aim wide and pull the trigger. The force of the blast sends me backwards. My father’s yelling about how weak I am or something then he grabs the shotgun. I hear the blast, the flash of light and my dog giving out a final cry. He killed her. (Not much to narrate here. That was pretty fucked up.) My mother appears telling me that, “It will end better than it began.”
Flashpresent. (hopefully the final one) I wake up on a Nazi U-boat. I know it’s a German U-boat because the writing that came up on the screen told me. I fall out of bed. Walk to the mirror and don’t even recognize myself anymore. The beard man. It’s too much apparently. I hear gunfire on the boat and see a rebel soldier taking cover in the doorway of my room. He’s taking fire, pretty sure he got shot a few times as well. I fall over because apparently I can’t stand anymore. I’m now a weak, paraplegic that can’t get up. I pull myself into a conveniently placed wheelchair and start rolling on to my next adventure.
To be continued?