Just a quick thanks to Ocarina Of Time Nerd for the feedback provided in fixing this article. It was so bad that my cousin from the UK told me that a whole bunch of English teaching professors nearly jumped of their college buildings because this post was a “blight upon the English language, written or otherwise”. You just saved the world, Joel….
Yes, it’s true, I, Vitosal who has been solemnly knighted by Joel residing from the Ocarina Of Time Nerd kingdom have undertaken an epic quest, a journey of perilous danger, a journey that is not so significant as others have already done it but still, I, Vitosal have taken up the mantle….I am playing a Zelda game!
Gasp! I know, right? What the hell is happening to me? Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve obviously lost my mind and while the delicate fabrics of my psyche start to unravel I will experience this quest for knowledge and new gaming experiences no matter how old, or strange, or completely out of my comfort zone that it might be including multiplayer. Welcome to the Vitosal Plays series. Once a week, one new episode will be posted detailing my journey and encounters in games that I have deemed foreign to my nature. For the next couple of weeks I will be exploring legend of Zelda, a game highly recommended by Ocarina Of Time Nerd, so without further adieu I present to you the first episode of Vitosal Plays.
Hearing the voice of a princess named Zelda, for some strange reason she has the ability to telepathically communicate with me, letting me know in great detail that she is a prisoner in a castle and needs to be saved and that an evil wizard named Agahnim is planning to break the seven seals to unleash, well pretty much hell on earth. Why contact me? I have no idea. I was just dreaming of Unicorns and rainbows when this chick mentally texted me. Why would I help her though? Who is she to me and dare I even attempt to pronounce the evil wizard’s name, A.G.A.H.N.I.M? I notice another person in the house with me. A man I think who tells me not leave the house and then he walks out. A bit pushy for a guy I just met but whatever. I drag my ass out of bed, and I realize I’m in a top down world. Holy Crap! It’s been a while. The last time I visited a world like this was when Pokemon Red, Blue, Green and yellow were still the shit. I walk around the room and search here and there, I find a few things. A heart, a few coins but I get bored and move on. I walk outside.
It’s pouring with rain and I find it difficult to synch with this new top down world. Where the hell am I? Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea? No, I will prevail. I will start this quest. Just put one foot in front of the other and go. I obey my compulsive side. I manage to lift a few a bushes and throw them with ease, picking up hearts and more coins. I eventually leave the safety of my house and take a walk down the road where a group of soldiers are clearly blocking my path. Speaking to them, each one shares intimate knowledge of how this world works and tells me not to be up so late. I only wanted directions but hey, I’m all for conversations. I proceed north and find an obvious bridge that just begs to be crossed. Crossing the exceptionally flat bridge I come face to face with yet another soldier who like the soldiers before tells me i should go home. I ignore his comment. Are all of these soldiers assholes? I find a clearing to the right and take a walk outside the castle walls looking for an opening, a door, a crack, anything that will point me in the right direction. I find my guide in the form of a hole that might be a well. With my balls to the wall attitude I walk over the hole and plummet down far below.
The 16-bit sound dramatically echoing in my ears as i fall. I hit the ground with a deafening….oh, no sound there. I’m either in a castle or a dungeon. Considering how far I just fell I’m going with a dungeon except when i look around it seems to be the underbelly of a castle. I’m in a hallway. The same pushy guy from my house is just standing there almost like he’s waiting for me. I approach him and he in turn gives me a sword, shield and a lecture on how to defend myself with said sword and shield. OK, the guy seems worried about me, maybe he’s not so pushy after all. As I claim all contents an applause of 16-bit sound pours into my ears. Yup, I have a sword and a shield. That makes me totally bad ass and after learning our families super secret technique (holding the attack button for a charge hit) I am ready to save this princess.
I leave the pushy guy in the hallway and make my way around the castle. I encounter guards, very stiff moving guards and treasure chests galore for me to loot. Great, I can see my O.C.D kicking in in this game. I find myself outside again in the pouring rain. Bushes are everywhere. I have to slash at them to get past and when I finally get to see where I’m supposed to go, three guards rush me. I attack each one in turns, using the traits i learned from Dodgeball, dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge. Unfortunately it doesn’t look as fancy in top down graphics from 1992 and a lot of the combat and counters that I did were imagined by me….anyway, I’ve also noticed that the guards I defeat have a tendency to explode once beaten and on explosion sometimes items will be the only thing that’s left of them including a heart. Try explaining that to their families. I eventually find my way back in the castle, defeating exploding guards, looting chests, getting lost, getting hit by these red spirally thingies,getting more lost, finding a key, getting lost whilst getting hit by red spirally thingies, obtaining a boomerang and eventually finding the fucking princess.
After running a few errands for the princess we finally make it out safely. I just went through all of this to save her and then she wants me to run around some more. Geez. We make it to the throne room where we have to enter another dark, danky place except with limited light. I battle rats, bats, snakes and other things. This is a seriously screwed up world. Everything wants you dead. We traverse the sewers and then she tells me that we are close to sanctuary. Excellent, finally I can take a break. An entire network of tunnels, one full rat nest and two switches later we finally arrive safely at Sanctuary.
Upon exiting the dark, dankyness that was this introduction we are greeted by a very friendly old man also dressed like a wizard who explains that the evil wizard who’s name cannot be pronounced is going to destroy this world known as Hyrule unless I stop him and the evil force that might be controlling him. Again, why me? What makes me so special? I’m just a 2-d animated character. What could i possibly have to offer? The friendly wizard instructs me to find an elder who can point me in the right direction to complete my quest and obtain The Master Sword. I must be ready…